Posts Tagged ‘death’

Big sister little brother

I was heart-broken when my first-born died. She was only 3 years old, and she fell off the first floor balcony. I still miss Katherine; Kate as we used to lovingly call her. My husband took it hardest, his dearest little Angel. He still blames me for letting her go and play in the balcony and the climb up the balustrade. I never thought she could climb it. I was pregnant with Mike then. When Mike was born, he looked so much like our Kate, that my husband believed she had come back to us as Mike. Our pain has subsided with time, but it didn’t go away. It can never go away. As people say, your first-born is the most loved.

Mike is 2 years old now. He can talk basic english, but cannot yet form proper sentences. He plays on his own with his toys. He plays with some imaginary friends like all kids do at his age. We bought new toys for him. We removed Kate’s toys after she died and kept them in the attic. It was too heartbreaking to see them around the house.

A week before, Mike sang a nursery rhyme in his broken, stammering english. I was heartsore and my husband, ecstatic. It was Kate’s favorite rhyme. She used to sing it whole day. We didn’t teach Mike that rhyme. Neither did his grandparents. My husband told me in his most assured, victorious tone that Kate had indeed come back as Mike. He was on cloud nine. He encouraged Mike to sing it and taught him a bit more. I didn’t like it. I just felt immense sadness and a deep, dark void inside me.

Yesterday, Mike came up to me while I was cooking in the afternoon, and asked me to get the other toys. I brought the other carton full of his toys. He said he didn’t want them, but the others. I told him he didn’t have more toys. He frowned and asked me to get the toys in the attic. I didn’t tell my husband about this.

Today, I went to take a peek in his room to see what he was doing. He was sitting there, playing with his toy cars. He was probably playing with one of his imaginary friends as usual. I stood there watching him, feeling the love well up inside me, when he suddenly cried out “Kate, dun play wif my caa”.

Kate? Did he just say ‘Kate’ ? Is it our Kate playing with Mike? Is my child still stuck in here? Wasn’t she freed of this world and taken to heaven? What should I do? I would do anything, God but please free her soul and let her rest. Please!

I can’t talk about this to my husband. He wouldn’t believe it. And if he does, it will break his heart further. It is, after all, my fault. I was not watchful towards her on that fateful day. I am the reason for the tragedy, and I know I will have to carry the burden of this truth to my grave.

*************************************The End*************************************

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